Dealing with Loneliness in Your Marriage Part 1:
Conversation with a Lonely Wife by Coach Dey
Q: I have been married to Steve for 12 years. However, I feel extremely lonely and depressed. Our marriage isn’t the same as it was 12 years ago. Steve rarely spends time with me and doesn’t seem interested in doing things together.
How can I deal with the loneliness in my marriage?
A: Marriage evolves over time, and loneliness can be an issue. Although it may seem unusual that a married couple could experience loneliness, this is actually a common phenomenon.
Couples can grow apart and feel isolated from each other while they’re still married.
It’s important to recognize that this is happening, and you’ve already taken the first step to dealing with the loneliness in your marriage. You’ve identified that your marriage needs work.
It’s time to talk with Steve and share your feelings. It’s important that he understand you feel alone and unhappy. Avoid placing blame or guilt during the conversation so Steve doesn’t feel attacked. Instead, you want him to listen and understand your concerns.
Q: I’ll try talking to Steve again, but I’ve used this method before. We just end up arguing, and we both get upset. Steve gets defensive and feels that he isn’t responsible for entertaining me. I get angry and feel he doesn’t understand me.
What can I do to make Steve listen and understand that I’m really lonely?
A: First, choose an appropriate time for the conversation. If you’re both angry and upset about other things in your life, then it’s not the best time to bring this up.
Select a time that gives you the opportunity to have an open discussion in a calm setting. It’s best to have this conversation at home.
Second, start the conversation by expressing your own thoughts and feelings. You don’t want to make Steve feel uncomfortable and angry. Focus on statements that show how the loneliness is affecting you.
Try to discuss solutions: how you can make adjustments in your marriage to eliminate the loneliness. What can you do to feel like a couple again and restore your happiness?
You can explore different suggestions together, but it’s crucial that you allow Steve a chance to talk and share his feelings. One way to avoid anger is to allow each person the chance to voice concerns.
Q: I’m not sure I know how to restore my marriage and get rid of this loneliness. I don’t know where to start with Steve.
What are some suggestions I can use to work on our marriage?
We don’t have a huge budget, so vacations are out of the question. We’re also not in the position to leave our jobs. We’re both working full-time and extremely busy. Plus, we have two kids and help our parents.
A: A busy lifestyle is a common complaint among couples who struggle with loneliness in their marriages. Work, kids, and other obligations can quickly fill your time. However, it’s important to find room in your schedule to focus on your marriage.
Make your marriage a priority.
You don’t have to go on a fancy vacation or quit your job. Instead, you can make small changes each day that will bring you closer together.
For example, you can find make a date night once a month. This will help you reconnect with Steve and make your marriage the focus. It will also help you feel closer as you spend more time together.
A small budget doesn’t have to stop you from enjoying your date night. You can find free or inexpensive events and destinations. For example, local museums may have free art shows or exhibits. In addition, you may find inexpensive movie or theater tickets in your area.
Date night is just one part of the plan to eliminate loneliness in your marriage. You also want to find small gestures throughout the week that make you both feel loved and special.
You may want to leave each other sweet notes as you pack lunch. You can also buy each other small gifts or tackle the to-do list without being prompted. These little gestures can build up over time and make the loneliness vanish.
Q: I’m going to try to set up a date night with Steve. However, I’m worried that it’ll just be a waste of time. One of our issues is that we rarely talk to each other.
I feel we’ve grown apart, and Steve doesn’t seem to have the same interests as me. We used to have deep and long conversations about our future and ideas. Now, we can’t even talk for two minutes without getting upset or bored.
I feel detached from Steve. I’m worried that we’ve become different people and don’t share the same goals anymore. This is why I feel so alone all the time.
What can I do to make our conversations interesting again?
I don’t want date night to turn into a boring nightmare with no conversations. I want us to talk like we used to at the beginning of our marriage.
A: It’s important to understand that you can’t reverse time and go back to the marriage of your past. You’ve both changed and evolved as human beings since you walked down the aisle. You want to acknowledge these changes and embrace them.
You mentioned that Steve doesn’t seem to share your interests anymore. It’s normal for couples to have different dreams and goals over time. This doesn’t mean their marriage is over and that they’re doomed to loneliness. You can make adjustments and reconnect with each other.
How can you align your dreams and goals with Steve’s current interests? You may want to try joining him while he does his favorite hobbies.
You also mentioned that you’re worried you won’t have a pleasant conversation on date night. To circumvent this, plan ahead and think of topics you can discuss. What current news events or local information can you share? Can you talk about your family, friends, or work?
Your conversation doesn’t have to be life-changing on a date night. It simply has to give you the chance to explore topics and reconnect with each other.